Prime Time
by StardancerofAS
Summary: Think Superbowl Nascar party. Swoop race party at the Solo's! Food, drink, fun-friends punked on the holovid!


P R I M E T I M E Mesarthim & Stardancer

Evening on Corell, the end of another warm day for two of the planet's most famous residents.  
Time to party.  
Leia Organa-Solo hated those three words. Hated them more with each of Threepio's cheerfully announced " Another guest, your Highness"

It seemed like there were hundreds of her dear husband's 'old pals' descending on their modest suburban estate. More Corellians than even a battle-hardened Princess could handle.  
When Han had suggested inviting a 'few friends' over for drinks and an evening watching the holo-vid, Leia had expected three or four 'old buddies' and their companions. She had even convinced herself that, with 3PO's help and catered food, watching the Mid-System's Swoop Race Championships would be enjoyable.  
If only 3PO had malfunctioned, if only she had remained in her bedroom, if only the noise weren't so bad, it could still be a pleasant evening.

The door chime sounded once, then again. Leia waited to hear the whooping of another arrival. The third chime told her that none of the males stomping around in what Han called a 'wreck room' was going to answer the door. She doubted that any of them would stop eating long enough to admit another celebrant to the Solo's open house.  
Muttering, the Princess descended the stairs as her spouse emerged from the mob, laughing.

" Is there anyone on this planet that you didn't invite"  
Leia hissed as they met at the door.

" Aww, c'mon sweetheart." Han gave her his best lopsided grin.  
" I didn't say anything when you had all those snobby ambassadors here last week. Besides, it can't be anyone I'm expectin'; only Larmon and Buko ain't here, and that's cause they're in the lock-up."

The Princess wasn't buying.

" Don't give me that!" She jabbed his chest with a manicured finger. " I don't care WHO is at the door, Solo, even if it's the Governor himself-not ONE more person is getting in"  
Stepping past Han, Leia palmed the door's controls and blinked.

In the entranceway, bearing red import markings, was a huge metal container with legs.  
" Oh no!" The Princess' face darkened. There were kegs of zythum and packages of greasy snack foods everywhere already. " That's NOT coming into this house"  
The container staggered forward and tilted slightly. A very red, and very familiar face peeked around it.

" A man could hurt himself waiting for you to open the door!  
Luke Skywalker grinned, blowing hair from his eyes.

" You too?!" Leia gaped. She had never imagined her reserved brother as a Swoop fan; and she certainly had never expected to see him on Corell carrying a keg of...

" What is that?"

" Eritrian barm." The Jedi replied, as though he carried the stuff with him everywhere.  
" Uh, Han ,want to give me some help here?"

" Sure thing!" Solo grinned. With a grunt, he grabbed one end of the bulk container and began backing into the house." WOW! This is great stuff, Luke! You can drink this all day and not hafta-uh-why didntcha just float it in?"

" Could have." Luke shrugged, kissing Leia's cheek as he brushed past her. " But it makes the troops nervous."

" Troops?" Leia squeaked with a grimace." More men?"

" Just Spennard, Wedge and Jansen." Luke replied with a dazzling smile. Behind him were the three pilots; each carrying a lumpy sack on their shoulders. The strong smell of boiled crustaceans burned Leia's nose and eyes as each man greeted her with a " Your Highness, " "Your Highness." " Your Highness"  
At least they were polite.

" Schaal?" Leia sighed, imagining the mess to come.  
" Yeah! Tripled spiced too!" Han licked his lips, inhaling deeply as he and Luke staggered into the rec-room's crowd with their burden. Cheers went up.

Luke dropped his end of the keg with a grunt and was instantly embraced by Chewbacca who, by the smell of him, was already buzzed.  
All the Jedi could make out of the growls and hiccups was something about a seafood feast and a bucket. Grinning, Luke accepted a mug of cold zythum from the Wookiee, only to dribble it down his chin as Han jerked his arm.

" WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ON YOUR CHEST?!" The Corellian pointed an accusing finger at his brother-in-law as the room became ominously quiet.

" My team's colors." Luke replied proudly as he smoothed the oversized purple and orange shirt. In unison, Wedge, Jansen and Spennard thrust out their own garishly clad chests.

" But, but, that's ERITRIAN!" Solo bellowed.

" But, but, that's where I LIVE!" Luke teased maliciously. " You must know the Cussers haven't got a chance against our guys!"

" It's the CONcussers, son!" A large, bearded man growled very near Luke's ear.

" Yeah, that's 'cause they GOT'em, not cause they give'em!" Wedge Antilles guffawed as he fixed a large foam lightning bolt atop his head. The team symbol bobbed as he flopped onto the couch. " The Erg's are gonna FRY your guys."

With that the room erupted with shouting, growling male voices that became a loud throbbing in Leia's head.

Never, in all of her years as a diplomat, in all the countless parties,receptions, and conclaves with every imaginable sentient race, had the Princess seen anything to compare to a simple Corellian 'get together'. Her own, sweet nursery droid had warned her that males were a separate species. This proved it.

Somewhere in Leia's head, a little voice was whispering,Go out of the it behind need a five hour facial.  
Only the prescient vision of what she would find upon her return was louder. With fire in her eyes, Leia entered the fray on the side of the Ergs. Family loyalties aside, the Eritrian team had the better looking riders.

////////

" Damn, Solo,make him quit that, it gives me the creeps"  
Unish, Supervisor for SoloFreight Ltd., ducked as a package of cream filled pastries zipped past the tray of empty glasses he carried.

" I ain't getting' between a Jedi and his YoHo's!" Han, already on his fifth mug of barm, shrugged nonchalantly from his recliner. " Damn, Chewie!" He gaped as the Wookiee tried to shuffle past unnoticed. His stooped, knees-together, walk was a dead giveaway. " That's the seventh time! Your plumbin' got a hole in it or somethin'?"

Chewbacca grinned stupidly as he hurried to the sani.  
" Lay off that swampwater you call booze!" Han called out after him." MY plumbin' can't take this much business!"

From her vantage point atop a barstool, Leia gave her husband a warning look before adjusting the earphones clamped to her head. The latest romance book-tape muffled,but did not eliminate, the room's din.

" He IS payin' half the water bill this time! Solo insisted petulantly.  
" HEY! Here it is, it's startin'!" Someone yelled, gesturing toward the wall screen in the far side of the room.

The two-dee vid showed a garishly decorated Swoop arena on Ralltiir as a backdrop for two well-known sports announcers who were beginning pre-race instructions.

" Finally." The Princess muttered, keying the holo-vid's remote to a decent sound level before slipping it back into her tunic pocket. Control was a wonderful thing, and so was the Fifth Zornomic Concerto in R Flat on her headset.

" Here, hold this. We trust you." A bearded giant of a man that Leia didn't recognize dropped a bag of credit chips onto her lap before he returned to his place on the floor.  
" All bets are in!' He announced.

" Get in here, Chewie!" Han shouted. " You're gonna miss the closeups of the engines!"

" Will you sit your big ass down?!" Wedge called out around a mouthful of gandum nuts. The object of his insult, a man with a large stomach and an even larger cigar, responded with a rude hand gesture. It took several minutes for everyone to get settled and assemble their 'survival rations.

" Look at that place!" Someone near the front remarked dreamily as a panoramic view of the arena was shown. " We coulda been there if you'da let me knock down that old lady with the tickets. I coulda took her."

" You idiot!" His companion snorted derisively. " That wasn't no old lady, that was a shape shifter!"

The Princess raised her headset volume several decibels in an attempt to drown out further revelatory comments from her guests.

" You'd better not let Chewie catch you in his bucket,Antilles!" Han warned seriously as he caught a glimpse of the younger Corellian's orange clad arm snaking toward the Wookiee's food cache.  
Wedge ignored the warning, fearlessly rummaging through the container of edibles. YoHo's, nuts,manis,dried bantha sticks -he slipped one of those between the couch cushions for later.

" Man, look at this stuff!" The dark haired pilot nudged Luke as he pulled a large sausage from the bucket's depths.

"None for me, thanks." Luke made a face, but he leaned forward for a closer look. " Any candy in there?"

Antilles' answer was drowned out by a chorus of whistles , kissing sounds, and suggestive groans.

The race queen was being introduced. The tall, voluptuous Zeltron stood with the starter flag in her hands, and very little on her chest.

" They don't grow'em like that on Tatooine!" Skywalker whistled appreciatively before taking a long swig of his brew.

" Don't grow'em like that ANYWHERE, son!" Someone quipped, setting off a round of laughter that Luke joined. "'Cept in a lab!"

" C'mon baby, start it up!" Spennard urged. As the only non-human in the room, the Cytherian was finally getting into the spirit of things.

Finally, the Zeltron raised the flag-and the temperature of the Solo's guests-and the vid image skewed sideways.

Heads tilted in response to the unorthodox camera angle. Then, there was a bright flash and the sound of screams and general tumult on Ralltiir.

"Humans and gentlebeings!" One announcer could be seen shaking visibly, crouching behind a flag-draped pillar. " One of the Concussers drew a blaster and fired at our holo-cam operator. Stand by while we get the details. It could mean a postponement of the race."

" Figures." Leia frowned, appalled at the thought of entertaining far into the night.

" Alright, everybody into the kitchen for schaal!" Han announced, as though every sporting event began with blaster fire. In a group, the Corellians rose and stampeded past the Princess.

Only the four Erg fans remained rooted to the couch, staring at the commotion being broadcast.

Spennard Fos, bewildered enough to admit it, scratched his scaly green forehead with a clawed hand and nudged the red-haired human beside him.

" Do all races start this way?" The Cytherian wondered.

" Nah." Jansen deadpanned, passing Fos another barm. " They usually start with sex."

Spennard's reptilian eyes bugged at the imagery that suggested. Human culture was a constant surprise!

" Is it the entire arena, or just the teams who put on a sexual display?" The Cytherian gaped.

On the opposite end of the couch, Luke and Wedge exploded into laughter that sent sprays of beer across the floor and littered end table. The Princess noticed, removed her headphones.

" Did I miss anything?" She glared disapprovingly at her brother.

" No, ma'am." The Cytherian replied helpfully. " The sex hasn't started yet. "

Leia's mouth dropped open as Luke and Wedge doubled over, howling.

Sex? What was the Cytherian talking about?

Wordlessly, Leia placed the bag of credits on the bar and headed for the kitchen. Behind her the vid-remote sailed unnoticed from her pocket into Luke's outstretched hand as he wiped tears from his eyes.

" No, no, ya big surd!" Han scolded the young refuse hauler as he waggled a bright red crustacean for all to see. " Ya pinch the TAIL and suck the HEAD,see?"

Leia's icy voice interrupted the culinary instruction.

" WHAT SEX hasn't started yet?"

Schall hanging from his mouth, Han Solo and thirty Corellians became very attentive.

As interesting as the massive brawl on Ralltiir was, Luke Skywalker-pleasantly buzzed channel cruiser-couldn't resist scanning the more than five hundred holo-channels available on Corell. One by one a dizzying array of entertainment flashed by- Wookiee cooking shows, Gamorrean self-help programs,the Playdroid channel( that was worth a few extra seconds of inspection.),several shopping services currently hawking female clothing of dubious taste. Well, there was always " As Unstable Stars Rotate", a popular holo-serial the Jedi had become addicted to on Eritria, but Luke passed it by. His favorite character was about to be killed off anyway.

" Where's the race?"

A large, hairy form blotted out the viewscreen as it tried to focus on the shifting images. It looked like " Holograms from the Rim", a trashy drama Malla had forced him to watch days before. Chewbacca hated it.

" Where's the RACE?" The Wookiee growled, scratching his rear.  
Without further comment, he lumbered out of Luke's way and flopped down beside the couch to pull his snack bucket between his knees. Looking up at the nearby Cytherian, Chewie aimed a gandum nut at Spennard's head. It bounced off and rolled across the low table. Wedge popped it into his mouth as he and Jansen rummaged through discarded snack wrappings.

" Ah, Chewbacca my friend." Spennard drawled, more than a little inebriated, as he leaned closer to the Wookiee. " What a fascinating sport Swoop racing is! There were several incredible closeups of customized engines! "

Chewie groaned, slapped his head, then took a long swallow from his tankard.

" Then," Fos continued. " A Zeltron female came forward. The nursing glands humans find so appealing were quite large! She raised a flag ,but the shooting started and the transmission was interrupted before the sex began."

*Sex?* Chewie woofed. That didn't sound quite right, but then the Cytherian was drunk and Wedge and Jansen were laughing.  
With a shrug, Chewie inserted his head into his bucket momentarily.  
"Somebody's been in my bucket!* He rumbled, sniffing at the contents." Wedge! You've been in my bucket!*

" Gotta go." Antilles was already stepping over Luke's legs, headed for the Solo's facilities.

"Hey!" Luke sat up a little straighter, pushing the lightning bolt headdress back from his eyes. " LANDO!"

Though neither of his companions was paying much attention, he pointed at the vidscreen. Calrissian's face had already been replaced by the words "Prime Time".

" Han, Leia, get in here!" Luke shouted, turning the volume up. " It's Lando!"

" ALRIGHT!" Solo crowed as he emerged from the kitchen.

" Finally, some class. " Leia muttered, dabbing schaal juice from her chin as she and the others followed. "Where's Lando?"

" On the vid." Luke pointed. " Some kind of interview. He looks good."

" Aww, get that off! Where's the race?' Solo's guests began complaining.

" Who gave him the remote anyway? C'mon , Skywalker!"

" DAMP DOWN, will ya?" Han shouted. Lando was onscreen again, looking impeccably elegant. He sat across from the well known celebrity interviewer, Mil Boyers, looking very relaxed and fashionable in black and crimson. " Trust me, this is going to be good! We can check out the races during the breaks"  
There were a few grunts and groans, but eventually the race fans settled down.

As the show's theme music faded, the fleshy pale face of Mil Boyers filled the screen. With suitable gravity, he briefly synopsized the high points of Calrissian's life just as Lando himself had proffered them. When the impressive list of titles and war time exploits ended, viewers were treated to a shot of the esteemed celebrity slouching 'just so' in the ornate chair with an expensive cigar in his hand.

" Damn if that old pirate don't look fancy!" One of Solo's older guests observed. Leia certainly agreed.

It had been three years since any of them had seen Calrissian.  
There had been the occasional gifts sent by messenger, and he had made a substantial-tho tax deductible-donation to the Orphans of the War Society; but the erstwhile gambler wasted no time devoting all of his time, at the war's end, to becoming respectably wealthy. Han liked to complain that Lando had gotten very 'Devoss Doright'., but the Princess could detect a very definite ripple of jealousy in his words.

" I like the velvoid pants." Luke observed, revealing fashion sense improved by Eritrian residency.

" YOU would!" Wedge teased.

" Shaddup!" Solo ordered, grinning from his recliner. "He's tellin' Boyers about his humble childhood! "

//////////

" ...and I left that very day to seek my fortune in a hostile galaxy."The Baron finished dramatically, with a wave of his 50 credit cigar.

" I'm proof that a civilized man can succeed,yes, even triumph, using his wits."

The vid cut away, abruptly,to a commercial for a Skycar manufacturer which, in turn, became one for Lando's reknowned " Stellar Salvage". The expertly produced scenes of huge salvage ships clearing metal refuse from planets and spacelanes was guaranteed to generate business and ended with details on contracting the company.

"That, in case any of our viewers are unfamiliar with today's guests, was a promo spot for the galaxy's most talked about salvage company, and we have been chatting with it's fascinating founder, Baron Lando Calrissian." Boyers leaned forward expectantly.

" We've heard about your unique childhood, and of course your exploits as a war hero are legendary; but what the public really wants to know is-What does the future hold for you, Baron?"

" Well, Mil," Lando smiled graciously. " A being doesn't get where I am alone. I have been blessed with good fortune and good friends. Some of these friends have been urging me to seek political office. That is why , after much soul searching, I have decided to announce my candidacy for Sector Representative to the Alliance of Free Planet."

Holocams panned the studio audience for their reaction, which was enthusiastic.  
The reaction in the Organa-Solo's recreation room consisted of the Princess' worried frown as she mumbled about ethics in government, a not so polite 'get that blowhard off the screen,will ya? We want the race.', and the unnoticed spectacle of all of Han Solo's blood draining from his face.

What Lando Calrissian couldn't see, as he accepted the studio applause, was the background set-screen mutating to that of another far more popular-and infamous-show.

Han squirmed, remembering all of the questions he had willingly answered about Lando's private life several weeks before. He squirmed again when he realized that the "Associate Producer for a prime time news show" had not been with " Prime Time.  
It was worse. So much worse. Even Lando didn't deserve what was about to happen.

" Well, that was a surprise, Baron!" Mil Boyers beamed as he shook Lando's hand. " But we have a surprise for you too :Lando Calrissian, YOU have been targeted for"  
The unmistakable music began.  
" THE TRUTH AND NOTHING BUT!"

From stage left, the sinister looking Devaronian host of the galaxy's most controversial program emerged with a predatory glint in his eyes. He grasped the stunned Corellian's left hand in a vise-like grip that made escape impossible. Then, Edgrid Wieses' fanged,horned visage turned to the holocams.

" Thank you, Mil, and Prime Time, for all of your help" He smiled." This is the REST of the Lando Calrissian story- the TRUTH AND NOTHING BUT!"

" Uh, I can't stand to watch this." Han Solo announced abruptly,starting to rise from his chair. " Let's see if that race has started yet. "

" Don't you DARE!" Thirty voices yelled back, and Han sank back into his seat a doomed man.

" It was forty-two standard years ago that you, Lando-"Peppi"-Calrissian were born to a young Corellian woman participating in that revered Corellian holiday, Saba-Saba Day"

The Devaronian emoted, and Lando wilted. Who had told him THAT name!? Corellians NEVER mentioned their middle names after their first Saba-Saba .

" Her ninth 'offering', you are the only progeny she claims-or can find. The voice you are about to hear won't be recognizable, Baron; but after today you'll never forget it!"

" He was a skinny little thing, all hands and mouth." A disembodied female voice rang out. " And he was late- showed up right in the middle of a sabacc game. I lost 32 credits and box seats to a wrestling match ."

" HERE SHE IS!" Wieses' excitement escalated in direct contrast to Lando's mounting apprehension. " Proud, but destitute, your birth mother -Viridis Pery!"

A tall, light brown skinned woman swept onstage, hands outstretched, to embrace the cornered Baron. When she released him and turned toward the cameras, the resemblance was uncanny. Same hair, same eyes,same mustache.

" SON!" Viridis sniffed.

" MOM!?" Three of the Solo's guests blurted.

" Son, I'm so proud of you!" The tall,muscular woman gushed. " For years I've checked the 'wanted' notices, the obituaries, and the financial news, figuring you'd show up in one of them. Now, look at you! My baby, and you're worth MILLIONS!"

" Well, ummm," Lando stuttered, mind working furiously as he tried to compute how much of his fortune would be subject to the old-but still legal- Family Funds custom of his home world. Too much, he decided. Punishment for going legit.

" Moving right along." Wiese interrupted. " There is another person who takes a great deal of credit for making you what you are, Baron. That is this man. "

" Get that thing out of my face, you damn pest!"

A shaky,male voice bellowed from the studio sound system.

" What? Oh, sure, Lando?! Ran away from home,not even a father's day greeting since! At least he didn't call home for credits, like the other con-men I raised! "

" Oh, yes!" The wolf-like emcee chuckled." It's your father, Professor Dyson Calrissian! Come out, sir!"

Cane in hand, an elderly white-haired Corellian tottered toward center stage wobbling slightly. A small, dwarfish, stagehand's attempt to assist the oldster was rewarded with a bop of the elder Calrissian's cane.

Eyesight and balance might be fading, but a Corellian's pride never dimmed.  
Lando could identify, his was being stripped away rapidly.

" Damn, son, you've SHRUNK!" Dyson boomed as he embraced the show's alien host. " I told you about those cigars!"

" No, no." Wiese growled, steering the old man toward Lando. " There's you son!"

" Pop! Pop, what are you doing here?" Lando whispered into the old man's ear as he led him to a chair.

" I came to see my famous son on the vid." Dyson practically shouted." And they promised there'd be women. Where're the women?"

" Ah! We can see where you get your charm, Baron!" The Devaronian smirked as laughter rippled through the audience. ' Professor, do you remember this woman? You knew each other quite well years ago. This is Viridis Pery, your Saba Saba partner 42 years ago"  
Urging Viridis closer, Wiese leered into the cameras.

" Of course,it isn't Corellian custom to bother with names, is it? Do you remember her, Professor?"

" WHAT?" Dyson barked, peering at the woman intently. " I can't remember every Saba-Saba day. Lay down,honey. I never was any good at faces."

The audience erupted into howls of laughter. Mortified, Lando slumped into his chair. He couldn't storm out now and leave his aged father behind. At least, he consoled himself, his mother had-he was sure- declined to appear. She hated this show. At least he would be spared potty-training stories. Soon it would get better, it had to. Han would be next, then Leia, perhaps even Luke.

But no.

" The next voice you hear,Baron." Wiese was hitting his stride now, prowling the stage, tail twitching. " Is that of your older brother, the former Captain of Corell's ConCusser Swoop team, currently in custody on Ralltiir."

" Long time no see, little brother!" A gruff voice snarled. " Remember when I used to beat up your punk friends for you? You still owe me for that!"

" Oh, yes, it's Logan Calrissian!" The Devaronian announced grandly. " Unfortunately, he is unable to be with us in the studio."

" I'll do what I can, Logan." Lando responded dully. " Oh, Maker"  
" Yeah, well,I just wanted to set the record straight." Logan was growing agitated. " Fifty thousand for bail is ridiculous. I wasn't even shootin' at that cameraman! I was trying to blast that baseborn announcer!"

" He never could hit the wide side of a space barge!" Dyson hooted.

" Pop?" Logan gulped. " You there?! Mom's not with you, is she? Don't tell her about this, please Pop?"

Static erased Logan's voice and Lando hung his head.

" Sounds like your brother's one comm call has reached it limit!" Wiese bared his fangs in a wide smile." Not to worry. We have more surprises in store! This individual, for instance."

" You were the sorriest student I ever had!" Came a crackly voice. " Last time I heard, he'd lost the only ship he ever owned to some other malcontent in a crooked sabacc game!"

" Now just a minute!" Lando's face reddened.

Light years away, Han's did too. The rowdy laughter of all of his guests didn't help.

" Yes, we know how anxious you are , Baron." A wave of the Devaronian's paw cued music. " Here is your first flying instructor! All the way from the Happy Spacer's Rest Home. Dage Bischoff!"

" I never saw this man before in my life!" Lando finally exploded as a wiry, grey-haired character hobbled toward him. " This is SLANDER! I'll prosecute you people. You're trying to impugn my character and ruin my reputation!"

" Same Peppi!" The old man glared, thumping Lando's head out of habit. " You always were belly-bound!"

" And LOUD!" Dyson Calrissian shouted helpfully.

" Yeah, loud, all mouth!" Bischoff agreed with a toothless grin. Soon he and the elder Calrissian were shouting at each other.

Lando, with a snort of disgust. pushed past the Devaronian.

" I'll see YOU in front of the High Council!" He growled as the camera's followed him and Wiese cued the next voice.

" Oh, don't leave Lando!"A woman's whisper stopped him in his tracks.

" It's been sooo long. You may not remember me, but I've ALWAYS remembered you as my Master Blaster! "

" Syndi?" Lando was already breathing heavily.

Lando expected to see the buxom, alluring woman his adolescent love had undoubtedly become; instead, something resembling a bizarre cross between a Dim-U priest and a bird watcher stepped from behind the shimmersilk curtains.

" Syndi?" Lando gulped, taking in the dark clothing, the running shoes and the macrobinoculars.

" Yes, indeed, Baron!" Weise chuckled. " Now she is known as Sister Shena of the Sailbarge; a member of the growing cult of Jedi worshippers! Devoted to the perusal-and the pursuit- of Luke Skywalker!"

" Huh?" Luke Skywalker burped as all eyes in the Solo rec-room turned toward him.

You look the same, Lando." Syndi gushed, primly shaking Lando's hand. " Is it true you KNOW him? You know where HE is? Take me to him, please!"

" Luke is part of this?" Lando glared at the holocam. It was more than obvious that he had been set up, and by someone he'd trusted.

" Perusal?" Several Corellians teased, making kissy noises for the Luke's benefit. Even Leia was giggling.

" PURSUIT?" The galaxy's last Jedi choked on his Yo-Ho's.

" No, no." Egrid Weise hastened to correct the misunderstanding. He certainly didn't want to make an enemy of the Jedi. ' We did try to contact him, but he didn't return our calls. Your friend is an elusive man."

" I used to be." Lando muttered, trying to pull away from the wild-eyed Sister Shena. He found himself back in his chair instead.

" Our time is almost up, Baron." The Devaronian patted his shoulder kindly. " It has been fascinating seeing you through the eyes of your family and friends. It is unfortunate that most of your famous friends couldn't be here, wonder why, hmmm? However, we have saved the most memorable and heart-warming reunion for last. Listen, Baron, to the voice of the woman whose dreams you made come true."

" You rocked my world on Saba-Saba day a long time ago, baby." A sultry voice purred. " Now I've come back to 'salvage your love'! "

" Do you remember, Lando?" The Devaronian urged the frowning Corellian as the audience began chanting ( a bad sign, though Lando didn't know it). " You gave her your I.D. disk on your last Saba-Saba day, and she's been looking for you ever since. Here she is, the indescribable SHANDA ODUGBESAN!"

Lando rose politely, and something in lurid orange ruffles bounded toward him, panting.

Calrissian's blood-curdling speech was only slightly less paralyzing than Chewbacca's. The Solo's guests recoiled as every Corellian's nightmare descended upon the helpless Lando.  
No one had even turned to calm the growling, clawing Wookiee as he cowered against the wall.

In one great leap, the woman- if it was one- tackled her prey. For a cross-eyed being, her aim was perfect. The wind knocked out of him, Lando lay at his father's feet as Shanda greeted him.  
Lips. Big, sucking lips engulfed his face.

The holo-cam closeup enraged the Solo's Corellian guests. Cries of outrage rose up. Even Leia grimaced; but she noticed her husband sneaking toward the door.

" I'm not seeing this." An inebriated Wedge Antilles shook an equally drunk Spennard Fos awake. " THERE'S THE SEX!" Wedge pointed.

The Cytherian nodded dumbly, and fell into the dip.

When she was helped off Lando's quivering body, Shanda began kissing all of the guests. Dyson Calrissian and Dage Bischoff flirted shamelessly, but then it had been a long time and their eyesight was failing.

Egrid Weise quickly regained control of his show-if not Shanda- helping his star guest to his chair.

" You've made me SO happy, you little devil!" The muscular woman forced the Devaronian's snout into her heaving bosom with a bone crushing hug.  
" Mmmfffhh." Weise struggled, then pulled away.  
" I got my man now!" Shanda announced triumphantly. Lando gasped as the Wookiee-sized female snuggled into his lap.

" Help! Somebody help! Anybody!" He begged; with his head in a hammerlock he couldn't say much more.

" I know, honey. All these people are here to GET something from you, 'cause you're famous now, and rich-ain't that right?" Shanda's gap-toothed grin only made matters worse. " Well, don't you worry, baby. Shanda came to GIVE you somethin'! Right here, with the whole galaxy watchin' , I'm gonna make you a DADDY!"

Half of the Solo's guests were out of the door, brandishing weapons.

" Where are you all GOING?" The Princess demanded.

" To save Calrissian." Someone replied." He may be a pompous rich boy, but he's OUR pompous rich boy!"

" NOBODY deserves THAT!" Came another voice in the crowd.  
" You should be ashamed of yourself!" Leia scolded after the retreating Corellians. " That poor woman was used and abandoned- and where do you think YOU'RE going, Han Solo?"

" Indeed she is!" Egrid Weise cued a drum roll, rating points and a new tax-bracket on his mind. " Lando Calrissian, meet your SON, Lazeris Calrissian!"

" Laze." Shanda corrected, squeezing Lando so hard that his eyes protruded. " He looks just like his DADDY! You'll be so proud, come on out here, baby!"

Skinny, tall, grinning from ear to, the young man tripped awkwardly over the trailing edge of feathered cape as he joined his new family onstage.

" I raised him all by myself!" Shanda beamed proudly at her homely offspring. " Ain't he the image of his Daddy?"

" I'm ready to take over as your right hand man, Pop." The twenty-five year old grinned.

" WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!!!" Lando snarled as the show's closing theme drowned out his voice.

//////////

As the show's credits began to roll, and Chewbacca had recovered enough to return to his bucket-out of sight of the vid screen- Egrid Weise's voice over began.  
" The producers of " The Truth and Nothing But" send special thanks to a being whose help made all of this possible- General Han Solo! Tune in next time, when the light shines on popular entertainer who needs no introduction-and no advance warning!"

Leia clicked the vid off, rubbed his eyes, and turned to watch the fireworks.

"Han! How COULD you?" The Princess' voice took on it's most dangerous tone.

" Damn, they set me up!" Han tried lamely. " I thought it was for the news show."

" I don't CARE about Lando!" Leia exploded. " I want to know what this Saba-Saba Day business is! This entire planet goes on a drunken sex spree with babies as presents?! What kind of 'holiday' was this?"

" A damn GOOD one,if you ask me!" Wedge slurred.

" A PERVERTED one!" Leia scowled. ' It figured, you're one of THEM!"

" Hey, sweetheart, I'M one of 'them'!" Han defended the honor of all things Corellian. " And it's OUR holiday, and I LIKED it! It ain't all about sex! The main thing is to get as far away from home as you can- and back- without help. The one who can prove the most kilometers gets to be 'Grand High Navigator'- or 'Navigatrix'- till the next Saba Saba. Don't worry, honey. you can leave with the rest of the 'respectable' women."

" LEAVE?" Leia stammered. " You think MY government is going to allow this depraved tradition to return?"

" You can't stop it!" Han glowered. " There'll be a war!"

" Han, she just WON a war." The Jedi reminded his brother-in-law with a grin.

" Shut up, Luke!" Han snapped. " Nobody can stop Saba-Saba day, it's HISTORIC!"

" It's BARBARIC!" Leia shouted.

" Yeah, barbaric." Luke echoed wistfully.

" Thank you, Luke. " Leia sighed. "At least I can count on you to be on the side of decency. You're such an angel! I'm going to my office to call an emergency meeting of the Council. You talk to HIM!"

With a toxic glare for Han, and a pat for her brother's cheek, the Princess stalked out of the house.

" Bureacracy is finally on our side." Han looked after her smugly. " I know for a fact that the Council's got a full docket for eight months. Saba-Saba will be long over by then."

" When IS it?" Luke wondered aloud.

" Three months. " Han raised a suspicious eyebrow. " Why?"

" Maybe he want's to come." Jansen smirked. " Maybe we ALL want to come. Are tourists allowed?"

" Yeah, sure." Han frowned, then laughed. "But you guys ain't got what it takes"  
The Jedi leaned back on the couch, tapping the date into his pocket planner while levitating the last box of Yo-Ho's from the kitchen pantry.

" Wanna bet?" He grinned.

THE END

Epilog-When the Corellian sun set, three months later, on the first Saba-Saba day in twenty-five years, Lando Calrissian- after a landslide sympathy vote- was the new Representative of his Sector and Luke Skywalker was the Grand High Navigator. That, as they say, is another story. 


End file.
